You don’t have to blow it to blow it. (Day 29 of Lose The Temper)
So now, as I am hyper aware of not actually losing my temper, I am more tuned into how OTHER not so becoming parts of your personality can come out, even if you don’t lose your temper. Ah haaaaa. subtly.
(By the way, I just tried to spell subtlety for five minutes and couldn’t – hoping spell check will get me later, but as I do not have an editor on this thing, I am hoping spelling and other writing fouls will be excused.)
Yesterday, my child went on a four-hour interview at a school that would be wonderful for him to go to. It’s impossible to get in, so we’re not even going to talk about it, I mean I’m not going to talk about it here, but what happened to me during the process was outrageous.
I didn’t lose my temper at all, but I did sit in a coffee shop across the street from the school for two hours (waiting to pick him up), pretending to work but REALLY indulging in a massive anxiety attack. If I were not myself but could see myself – like if I was watching someone else do this, I might have really judged them. I might have even told then to – RELAX, you are being a maniac. Goodness I hate it when someone tells me to relax.
Then I did the horrible thing of hounding my poor boy about what happened IN THERE WHERE I WASN’T to the point where it was just disgusting. It was beyond my control. I was like a pit bull with its jaw locked.
Am I high? I know better than this! My own father told me to be mellow when he came out, but I am so freaked out about schools in new york or something, I let that sound advice go in one ear and right out the other.
You see — it’s like losing your temper — it’s the same thing. I was unable to control a need to, I don’t know, know everything? Control everything? How on earth did I miss the you-can’t-control-everything-class? I lose my temper when I am trying to control something clearly out of my control and now that I am not losing my temper, it’s manifested into weird, anxious bad behavior. No bueno.
How come I think the way I do it is the right way? Or the way I want it to go is the ONLY way it can go? If I just could just learn that there really are many roads to heaven instead of just saying that all the time, maybe I wouldn’t lose my temper or have anxiety. If I am the kind of person who thinks I have some faults, why do I think the way I do things is right? That makes no sense. I should actually assume that maybe the way I want it to go IS NOT the way it actually should go. I should open my self way way WAY up.
It’s amazing how you can think you are a relaxed person and really not be one at all. I’m relaxed about maybe four things. My acting teacher had a WONDERFUL expression when she wanted you to let the emotion of the scene take over – when she wanted you to lose control, she would tell you to – Fuck it. She would say Fuck It a hundred times so you could let go of whatever it was you were holding on to – and be better.
That’s it, we want to hold on so badly to so many things, ideas, notions, theories, expectations — but maybe what we really have to do is say – fuck it – and let go.
Back to work.