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You don’t have to blow it to blow it. (Day 29 of Lose The Temper)

Oh hello,

So now, as I am hyper aware of not actually losing my temper, I am more tuned into how OTHER not so becoming parts of your personality can come out, even if you don’t lose your temper. Ah haaaaa. subtly.

(By the way, I just tried to spell subtlety for five minutes and couldn’t – hoping spell check will get me later, but as I do not have an editor on this thing, I am hoping spelling and other writing fouls will be excused.)

Yesterday, my child went on a four-hour interview at a school that would be wonderful for him to go to. It’s impossible to get in, so we’re not even going to talk about it, I mean I’m not going to talk about it here, but what happened to me during the process was outrageous.

I didn’t lose my temper at all, but I did sit in a coffee shop across the street from the school for two hours (waiting to pick him up), pretending to work but REALLY  indulging in a massive anxiety attack. If I were not myself but could see myself – like if I was watching someone else do this, I might have really judged them. I might have even told then to  – RELAX, you are being a maniac. Goodness I hate it when someone tells me to relax.

Then I did the horrible thing of hounding my poor boy about what happened IN THERE WHERE I WASN’T to the point where it was just disgusting. It was beyond my control. I was like a pit bull with its jaw locked.

Am I high? I know better than this! My own father told me to be mellow when he came out, but I am so freaked out about schools in new york or something, I let that sound advice go in one ear and right out the other.

You see — it’s like losing your temper — it’s the same thing. I was unable to control a need to, I don’t know, know everything? Control everything? How on earth did I miss the you-can’t-control-everything-class? I lose my temper when I am trying to control something clearly out of my control and now that I am not losing my temper, it’s manifested into weird, anxious bad behavior. No bueno.

How come I think the way I do it is the right way? Or the way I want it to go is the ONLY way it can go? If I just could just learn that there really are many roads to heaven instead of just saying that all the time, maybe I wouldn’t lose my temper or have anxiety. If I am the kind of person who thinks I have some faults, why do I think the way I do things is right? That makes no sense. I should actually assume that maybe the way I want it to go IS NOT the way it actually should go. I should open my self way way WAY up.

It’s amazing how you can think you are a relaxed person and really not be one at all. I’m relaxed about maybe four things. My acting teacher had a WONDERFUL expression when she wanted you to let the emotion of the scene take over – when she wanted you to lose control, she would tell you to – Fuck it. She would say Fuck It a hundred times so you could let go of whatever it was you were holding on to – and be better.

That’s it, we want to hold on so badly to so many things, ideas, notions, theories, expectations — but maybe what we really have to do is say – fuck it – and let go.

Back to work.

Xxx

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5 thoughts on “You don’t have to blow it to blow it. (Day 29 of Lose The Temper)

  1. Bah! Story of my life…not the temper, but the need.for.control. Fantastic insights.

  2. Anne Dee Goldin on said:

    Perhaps not the appropriate place to contact you…but where else…except for at ‘the’ pharmacy where I just knew it was you (but then again, maybe it wasn’t), but was too timid (or too proper) to violate your privacy. I was the one with the adorable little black and white dog, Palmer.
    It is nice to know you live in my hood.
    I think you are just great!!!!
    So happy to find you…again!
    Anne Dee

    • Annie! Was that you?? I heard you say Ann Golden, but I was so distracted and then I am so used to your long curly hair, I thought it was close, but no cigar.
      Oh hello!!! I wish you had said something to me! I would have loved to give you a hug and heard all that’s going on. I didn’t see you had a dog??? I have to say my mind was elsewhere.

      I send you all my good wishes! and bug hugs.

      Xxxx

      • Anne Dee Goldin on said:

        Isabel-
        No that was not Annie Golden… It was Anne Dee Goldin… though close in name (I have been confused with her before), I am a mere fan of yours! …
        but nice to hear back from you nonetheless!
        Hope to run into you again.
        I will be sure to introduce myself,
        Anne Dee

  3. I totally agree. What is it about the whole control thing? After all, someone figured out how to run the world before we all got here, and (hopefully) someone will be able to do it when we’re gone. It certainly is a challenge, though.

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