Am I Doing it Right? (Day 60 of Lose the Temper)
So for the last three weeks I have been very neglectful of this blog, not because I’m not working on it in the personal project way, but because I am writing and guess what — It’s NOT SO EASY!!! Yeah, the novel is an entirely different beast than the memoir and I am trying to figure it out and it’s taking up all of my writing mojo. I’m even slacking on tweeting!
I took a few days off my score if you noticed because this weekend I wasn’t at my best for four hours (I can’t tell you how fun this is admitting all of this TO THE PUBLIC AND MY MOTHER-IN-LAW!!). This project has pretty much stopped any yelling that might have happened pre-blog, but it hasn’t taken away a very big question for me: Am I doing it right? By “it” I mean all of it. Being a mother, a wife, a writer, a friend, a citizen. Am I getting it right? At the end of my life (at age 100, next to my husband and children and grand children please oh please) will I have felt like I did this life right????
I am asking myself that question all the time. Constantly. I don’t know if that is good or bad (maybe it’s because I’m writing??) but I do know that if I fall on the, “I DON’T think you are doing it right Isabel” side, I feel frightened, helpless and then — angry. So this weekend I felt helpless in a mothering moment and it took me FOUR hours to get out of it. First I was frightened, then angry and THEN sad/ helpless/ dark. Something grabs on to me and I can’t get out of it’s jaws. No bueno I am afraid. (I think I need Cher to slap me across the face and yell, “SNAP OUT OF IT.” Like she did in Moonstruck.) It doesn’t feel very helpful to anyone.
I have been spending an ungodly amount of time at the APPLE store in the last four days (a place I feel rather calm because of all the geniuses.) And looking around I had the feeling that maybe people were asking themselves, “Am I doing this right?” And they were coming up with the answer, no. Helplessness resulting in anger. I asked an EXPERT about it (they actually have “experts” there, it says it on their name tag), I asked if people lost their tempers a lot and he looked at me like I had just asked if there was a presidential election going on.
Expert: “Oh YEAH. Like, all day long
Expert: “Oh yeah.”
Those poor apple people. They are so smart and they have dumb-bells losing their tempers all day long at them because they don’t know if they are doing any of it right.
To help clear all this up a bit, I HAD a power shrink appointment set for tomorrow am (first on in three months), but in an ironic twist, he JUST emailed that he had the flu and would have to reschedule. RATS!! So, I think I will bring this existential “Am I doing it right” question to my mother. I think she asks it too.
Lastlt, it’s more than likely am going to be writing an article for a magazine about women and anger soon, so I am going to call some big time brain doctors and ask them about anger and the brain. I want to know if there are physical reasons why people lose it. Should be wicked interesting – I’ll keep you posted. And I think I should also look into anxiety because I think a lot of the losing it feeling stems from that… Fear, Helplessness, anxiety, stress. Good times!!
But what if we figure it out?
Until soon, deep breaths.